Ah reach! Carnival 2009 is almost here!!!!
And I got my costume! :-D
Plus Monday wear! :-D
Plus I hit a BESS Tribe fete! No, I didn't end up on stage with Kes (Kees) this time (*pout*), but I still had a time. My cousin, however, ended up on stage with KMC... and MASH UP de place!! He well like himself! (He and I might really need to tackle this Soca Star thing for real... lol).
I could go on and on and on about how much I LOVE Carnival, and how much I miss Trinidad and why! Each and every time I touch down here... no matter what kinna stupidness goin on in Trini - whether a certain someone living here broke my heart to traumatizing proportions, or certain idiots in our goverment makin some real outta timin decisions, or the crime that just seems to be going nowhere but up (Lord help this nation)... I still get that warm feeling that I am home! Be it Carnival, Christmas or off-peak season, I love my sweet T&T.
Cyah wait! Ah ready for de road!!!!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sanity, may I re-introduce myself...
Dear Sanity,
I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I need you back! I know I was wrong. I know that I have shunned your forewarnings and advice. You told me over and over again not to make those decisions. But I did not listen to you. I ignored your wisdom and did what I wanted anyway. You beat my head in with your rod of guilty conscience... and then you left. You removed yourself in the wake of my foolishness, because there was no room for you and my bad decisions. Now, you are gone, and I truly and sorely miss you. But now, I feel as though I have paid my penance. I lost a child. My body is totally screwed up. I keep finding out who my ex-fiance truly is - and each discovery hurts me to the core. Have I suffered enough now?! How much longer must I carry on like this? I know I cannot simply ask you to come back into my life... because you'll be afraid that I'll take you for granted. And Sanity, you have every right to think so. But please, do not take my hard-headedness for lack of love. I truly treasure you. If I have to see a million doctors and take the extra time and effort to heal myself to make you come back to me, I will!
Sanity, you are a gift from God, and I am sorry to have taken you for granted. I, Foolish Human, thought you would stay with me no matter what... which meant (to me) that I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but expect you to stay with me. How selfish and self-righteous I was! Now, I am paying for my foolishness. Sanity, I beg you, I implore you to give me another chance. For both our sakes, I will be better!
Sincerely,
Once Foolish but Contrite Human...
Me
I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I need you back! I know I was wrong. I know that I have shunned your forewarnings and advice. You told me over and over again not to make those decisions. But I did not listen to you. I ignored your wisdom and did what I wanted anyway. You beat my head in with your rod of guilty conscience... and then you left. You removed yourself in the wake of my foolishness, because there was no room for you and my bad decisions. Now, you are gone, and I truly and sorely miss you. But now, I feel as though I have paid my penance. I lost a child. My body is totally screwed up. I keep finding out who my ex-fiance truly is - and each discovery hurts me to the core. Have I suffered enough now?! How much longer must I carry on like this? I know I cannot simply ask you to come back into my life... because you'll be afraid that I'll take you for granted. And Sanity, you have every right to think so. But please, do not take my hard-headedness for lack of love. I truly treasure you. If I have to see a million doctors and take the extra time and effort to heal myself to make you come back to me, I will!
Sanity, you are a gift from God, and I am sorry to have taken you for granted. I, Foolish Human, thought you would stay with me no matter what... which meant (to me) that I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but expect you to stay with me. How selfish and self-righteous I was! Now, I am paying for my foolishness. Sanity, I beg you, I implore you to give me another chance. For both our sakes, I will be better!
Sincerely,
Once Foolish but Contrite Human...
Me
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Last year's "Devil" is next year's Hope
Due to this year's infamous financial woes, I was forced to "stick" when it came to registering for mas. Now that ALL my favorite costumes have sold out, the website that I blasted as "the Devil" is now my only hope for a costume that I am willing to part with my hard-earned money for. Oh the irony!!
So, here goes my plea... If ANYONE knows someone who is selling either a Caged Canary (shoot for the stars, why not), Flight of the Ibis, African Lovebird, Green Honeycreeper... well damn near ANY Tribe costume (all backline please), PLEASE let me know! I will keep a lookout on the devil turned only hope... carnival junction.com
Thanks!!!
PS - Yes I am THAT desperate! lol
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Bliss is Ignorance
I know the old adage goes the other way around, but this is what I believe after going through arguably the WORST ordeal of my life. And it all started as most, if not all, ordeals typically start - by believing a lie.
Long story short, I don't think I could look at a sonogram video without bursting into tears. That is because it will remind me of that dreadful morning when I saw my child for the first and last time. However, not only was that the beginning of more dreadful truths to come, but knowing that an innocent life had to be the casualty of a one-sided fragile long-distance love was indeed the worst consequence of ignorance. Did I know that him moving into another woman's house (well, her father's house) was a recipe for disaster? Certainly! Then why did I trust him? Because I believed in his obviously half-hearted gesture of false commitment. How naive I was to not realize how far a liar will go to have his cake and eat it too. What I also didn't realize was how disrespectful she, the "roommate", would turn out to be.
And so I lived and breathed and sang in my blissful ignorance, until I was with child. And while I had to break the embarrassing news to the family (and father took it famously well (sarcasm)), and feel that pang of shame when I have to inform the gynecologist that the child's father was over 2,000 miles away, he was busy cavorting with his "roommate" as if there was no me. And really, there was no me. No me to call. No me to check on. And when God in His infinite wisdom took my baby into His everlasting arms, there was no me to comfort. The reason for this, I later learned, was that he was in pain. Never mind that I was the one who was simultaneously stripped of an unborn child and of the attention of the fool I loved... the fool who asked to marry me. No, he, the fool acting like there was no me, was in the most pain.
Now, as God revealed the true nature of my now ex-fiancé, there is absolutely nothing he can say to me to fully convince me of any contrition on his part. Not to say he hasn't tried. Yet, just as before, there is no heart in his words. The difference, this time, is that I am no longer ignorant of it. Nor am I blissful.
Long story short, I don't think I could look at a sonogram video without bursting into tears. That is because it will remind me of that dreadful morning when I saw my child for the first and last time. However, not only was that the beginning of more dreadful truths to come, but knowing that an innocent life had to be the casualty of a one-sided fragile long-distance love was indeed the worst consequence of ignorance. Did I know that him moving into another woman's house (well, her father's house) was a recipe for disaster? Certainly! Then why did I trust him? Because I believed in his obviously half-hearted gesture of false commitment. How naive I was to not realize how far a liar will go to have his cake and eat it too. What I also didn't realize was how disrespectful she, the "roommate", would turn out to be.
And so I lived and breathed and sang in my blissful ignorance, until I was with child. And while I had to break the embarrassing news to the family (and father took it famously well (sarcasm)), and feel that pang of shame when I have to inform the gynecologist that the child's father was over 2,000 miles away, he was busy cavorting with his "roommate" as if there was no me. And really, there was no me. No me to call. No me to check on. And when God in His infinite wisdom took my baby into His everlasting arms, there was no me to comfort. The reason for this, I later learned, was that he was in pain. Never mind that I was the one who was simultaneously stripped of an unborn child and of the attention of the fool I loved... the fool who asked to marry me. No, he, the fool acting like there was no me, was in the most pain.
Now, as God revealed the true nature of my now ex-fiancé, there is absolutely nothing he can say to me to fully convince me of any contrition on his part. Not to say he hasn't tried. Yet, just as before, there is no heart in his words. The difference, this time, is that I am no longer ignorant of it. Nor am I blissful.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Goodbye Heath
I was congratulating myself thoroughly. I was getting back on my rigourous workout regimen. I was sleeping better. My fiancé and I made up after our millionth idiotic fight. So, what was this feeling like something was wrong - this weird sense of foreboding that something just wasn't right?
That weird feeling - one that could be easily mistaken for gas - usually culminated in someone I knew/cared about dying or getting in serious trouble. This feeling is not limited to people I live/work around, but extends to people I admire. For instance, that ominous feeling came days before Aaliyah's shocking death. So, this evening, again, congratulating myself on a workout well done, I check my phone only to see that I received a text message stating "Dude, Heath Ledger's dead!!" Verbatim. I looked to see who the hell would send me this kind of nonsense (it just had to be a sick joke). It was from my best friend here... and she wasn't the type to b.s... at least not to this extent. I knew I had to accept this news as the truth.
Earlier this afternoon, Heath Ledger, an actor I had crushed heavily on (of course amongst many other sisters with taste... and gay guys who thought they had a ray of hope with him since Brokeback) passed away for reasons yet unconfirmed. (I will not insult his memory with implications of drug overdose, unless that has been proven conclusively). It was my sincere hope that I would have been able to meet him in person. Ah well - I guess that would make heaven a little sweeter.
Goodbye, talented handsome actor I never had the priviledge to meet. I pray that God will comfort all those who loved him most, and that He will guide his spirit home. R.I.P....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
A look Back at 2007
What a year 2007 was! It was arguably the best year of my life! Although there were some tragedies to speak of (most of which I have not mentioned on this blog), I have never before been as incandescently happy as I was this year. Christmas was EXCELLENT! Your girl got her BEAUTIFUL ring and is in constant show-off mode (grin). So, I shall now attempt a month-by-month analysis of the year that was:
January:
My second month of blogging, and carrying on about how much I was looking forward to C2k7! My younger cuz gets married, and I laugh at the notion of the same happening to me any time soon.(who's laughing now...) On a more somber note, my Uncle suddenly passed away due to a massive heart attack. Rest in peace, dear Uncle. On a more encouraging note, it was at the end of this month that Dave and I had our fated msn convo (could I be any more corny than using ethereal terms to desribe an IM conversation)
February:
DUH! Carnival, falling hard and fast for Dave, and blogging endlessly about it (as I obviously still am).
March:
The high from looking forward to Carnival becomes the high from reminiscing on Carnival. Also, Dave and I go "official".
April:
My first failed attempt (and dashed hope) at surprising my boyfriend for his 25th bday. Judging by my reaction to this (practically bawlin down the place), if I had any doubts about how much in love with him I was (am), they were eternally removed...
May:
When that job lost me. And I made a quick retreat back home for three weeks!!!
June:
Came back to face the fire - and found out I have the BEST roomate anyone could ask for!!
July:
I sat for the CPA exam (7/7/07).
Again, somber note: One of my best friends in Trinidad suffered an unimaginable loss: her beloved younger brother was gruesomely murdered. I remember leaving him a hi5 message shortly before he passed - and we joked about how each not takin de other on, but how we still love each other. I pray he knows in his heart I meant that...
August:
A better job found me!! I didn't too like the means of attaining it - and I pray God forgives me. But nonetheless, I am grateful! Also, Dave and I start discussing our future (4 months into the relationship)
September:
I forgot that Labour (Labor - damn Americans who claim they speak "English") Day is a 3-day weekend holiday that I could have taken advantage of to surprise Dave (*sigh*). Ah well. I also found out I need to retake that section of the CPA exam...
October:
Miami Carnival - an experience I liken to steak vs hamburgers... compared to Trinidad Carnival... eh... It was indeed a last minute decision, one that I was more or less glad I made - I got to lime with my cuz whom I haven't seen in YEARS... plus some of his friends, who knew who I was by referring to me as "dave, dave, dave!"
November:
Got to see my sis for the first time since Mother's Day (visited for Thanksgiving). So it was three of us again, complete with verbal battles and food no-one cooked. Oh yeah, and Dave pops the question... leaving me with the burden of updating the family lol. However, telling dad was not as bad as I dreaded... yes, I told him..
December:
2007 ended just as it began, with love and loss. Two relatives, one young (my cousin) and on my dad's side, the other older (my Uncle) and on my mom's side, succumbed. My cousin passed in early December, with the funeral held (out of all days) on my 25th birthday. Surprisingly, I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate. My Uncle passed a few days after I arrived in Trini from his second massive stroke (he lived, and died, in Trini as well). The ceremony for him was on Christmas Eve. I love and miss you both. Both times, the family came together - and it is those times I truly treasured. Lighter note: The news of the engagement had long spread, and there were notes of congratulations and "Uncle Johnnie" shots all around!! And all bore witness to that cute little rock ;-)
So that was it! The Year of Surprises - some pleasant, some not so pleasant. Yet the year was full of love, and I am thankful to God that I have lived to see it all! May 2008 be a year rich in blessings to all!!!
January:
My second month of blogging, and carrying on about how much I was looking forward to C2k7! My younger cuz gets married, and I laugh at the notion of the same happening to me any time soon.(who's laughing now...) On a more somber note, my Uncle suddenly passed away due to a massive heart attack. Rest in peace, dear Uncle. On a more encouraging note, it was at the end of this month that Dave and I had our fated msn convo (could I be any more corny than using ethereal terms to desribe an IM conversation)
February:
DUH! Carnival, falling hard and fast for Dave, and blogging endlessly about it (as I obviously still am).
March:
The high from looking forward to Carnival becomes the high from reminiscing on Carnival. Also, Dave and I go "official".
April:
My first failed attempt (and dashed hope) at surprising my boyfriend for his 25th bday. Judging by my reaction to this (practically bawlin down the place), if I had any doubts about how much in love with him I was (am), they were eternally removed...
May:
When that job lost me. And I made a quick retreat back home for three weeks!!!
June:
Came back to face the fire - and found out I have the BEST roomate anyone could ask for!!
July:
I sat for the CPA exam (7/7/07).
Again, somber note: One of my best friends in Trinidad suffered an unimaginable loss: her beloved younger brother was gruesomely murdered. I remember leaving him a hi5 message shortly before he passed - and we joked about how each not takin de other on, but how we still love each other. I pray he knows in his heart I meant that...
August:
A better job found me!! I didn't too like the means of attaining it - and I pray God forgives me. But nonetheless, I am grateful! Also, Dave and I start discussing our future (4 months into the relationship)
September:
I forgot that Labour (Labor - damn Americans who claim they speak "English") Day is a 3-day weekend holiday that I could have taken advantage of to surprise Dave (*sigh*). Ah well. I also found out I need to retake that section of the CPA exam...
October:
Miami Carnival - an experience I liken to steak vs hamburgers... compared to Trinidad Carnival... eh... It was indeed a last minute decision, one that I was more or less glad I made - I got to lime with my cuz whom I haven't seen in YEARS... plus some of his friends, who knew who I was by referring to me as "dave, dave, dave!"
November:
Got to see my sis for the first time since Mother's Day (visited for Thanksgiving). So it was three of us again, complete with verbal battles and food no-one cooked. Oh yeah, and Dave pops the question... leaving me with the burden of updating the family lol. However, telling dad was not as bad as I dreaded... yes, I told him..
December:
2007 ended just as it began, with love and loss. Two relatives, one young (my cousin) and on my dad's side, the other older (my Uncle) and on my mom's side, succumbed. My cousin passed in early December, with the funeral held (out of all days) on my 25th birthday. Surprisingly, I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate. My Uncle passed a few days after I arrived in Trini from his second massive stroke (he lived, and died, in Trini as well). The ceremony for him was on Christmas Eve. I love and miss you both. Both times, the family came together - and it is those times I truly treasured. Lighter note: The news of the engagement had long spread, and there were notes of congratulations and "Uncle Johnnie" shots all around!! And all bore witness to that cute little rock ;-)
So that was it! The Year of Surprises - some pleasant, some not so pleasant. Yet the year was full of love, and I am thankful to God that I have lived to see it all! May 2008 be a year rich in blessings to all!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My so-called life
It is November 2007, and I have finally decided how I am going to remember this year. Last year 2006 was the Year of Transition. This year 2007, has been, without a doubt, the Year of Surprises. I had things happen to me that I never once dreamed of. I started this blog (that, admittedly, I've severely slacked off on). I had my first experience of playing mas (okay, that's not really in the "surprise" category, but it did contain a ton of surprises). Now, I am a woman who takes NOTHING for granted (or at least I try to be), so when I express surprise at, say, tiefin a wine on that guy I had a crush on for a minute, well, that would indeed hold true. The reason why I would be surprised at something like that would require its own blog post - and I don't like to digress too much from my point - since I have just gone far enough already... On the not-so-pleasant side, this year was the first time I got fired from a job. But back to the pleasant side (grin), there's the biggest and most important surprise of them all - I finally discovered my Soulmate. In the last place I would have ever thought to look - literally my own backyard.
That said, I thought by now, toward the end of the year, I thought the surprises would have been over. (Those who view my facebook profile know exacltly where this is going). One November evening - the first to be precise - I was on the phone with my honey, asking him about a very serious conversation we had not two days prior. Background info: Though my babes and I have discussed marriage as a long-term goal, we never gave it serious current thought, until one day (late October), we were in our we're-exponentially-depressed-because-we-miss-each-other mood, and he just said "You know what? Why don't we just get married and I move up there". And I said "How about that, then?" And that got us thinking about marraige as a very real possibility. So, I brought it up again, asking if this is something that he is really serious about. He answered with a question. THE question.
Suffice to say that we are now engaged.
EN!
GAGED!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen - he is not my boyfriend any more. He is my fiancé!
Well, I must cut this blog post at this point, but there will be a LOT more to come - including how easy this was to break to Father dearest, who is just a ray of F&^king sunshine as always. Ah done!
That said, I thought by now, toward the end of the year, I thought the surprises would have been over. (Those who view my facebook profile know exacltly where this is going). One November evening - the first to be precise - I was on the phone with my honey, asking him about a very serious conversation we had not two days prior. Background info: Though my babes and I have discussed marriage as a long-term goal, we never gave it serious current thought, until one day (late October), we were in our we're-exponentially-depressed-because-we-miss-each-other mood, and he just said "You know what? Why don't we just get married and I move up there". And I said "How about that, then?" And that got us thinking about marraige as a very real possibility. So, I brought it up again, asking if this is something that he is really serious about. He answered with a question. THE question.
Suffice to say that we are now engaged.
EN!
GAGED!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen - he is not my boyfriend any more. He is my fiancé!
Well, I must cut this blog post at this point, but there will be a LOT more to come - including how easy this was to break to Father dearest, who is just a ray of F&^king sunshine as always. Ah done!
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