You have GOT to be kidding me!

Unlike George W. Bush, most of us are well aware of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
There's another person whose mind this phrase somehow escapes. Yup. My ex.
Perhaps, in his mind, this phrase has been murdered to the point of cliché, and thus, carries no relevance. Or, perhaps, he takes me for the idiot he perceived and assumes I am completely unaware of this truth.
Whatever.
One day, while conversing with a mutual friend via IM, she informs me that she and my ex were very recently engaged in a conversation. At this point, a couple of developments must be enumerated. My ex and the [insert descriptive, degrading (expletive) noun here] he cheated with now have a daughter, who is approximately 5 months old now. Of equal importance (it seems) is that he gained about 100 lbs (a hyperbole of course... or is it?).
Back to the convo.
My friend started going off on how fat he has become. Now, I'm not the type of person to derive joy out of someone else's misery - granted this particular someone put me through HELL, but I digress - so, that piece of news was met with indifference. Little did I know that this was a pretext for what was to become a pity party. Let it be noted that I am a bit too old to go for the whole "he said, she said" bit. Nevertheless, I know the type of people who bullshit, and those who don't (and trust! That knowledge did NOT come cheap!). That said, she relayed some interesting comments he made. First, he tried to keep the conversation focused on me. My friend, having a brain, wasn't participating in this pathetically obvious mind game. He tried lines like "oh, since losing Teneille, I haven't been motivated to go to the gym" to explain his weight gain. Naturally, I rolled my eyes at this.
And then came the piece de resistance.
According to my friend, the following statement was made, and the subject was changed immediately afterward.
I quote (at least according to my friend... and memory): "Yeah, I know I have a daughter, but I wish I had her with Teneille."
Now, his main intention was for my friend to relay this comment to me. That much is obvious, and he knew it would work. As for how he expected me to react, I can't be 100% certain. Based on the bullshit tactics he used in the past, I'm going to lean on the notion that he expected me to believe him.
Hmmm.... what was that saying again? Fool me once....
How about this saying - You can fool SOME people SOMEtimes, but you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time.
So, when you consider the pain of the miscarriage, coupled with the pain of being emotionally abandoned by the man who said he loved you and WANTED children with you - this fool really, truly, honestly expects me to believe that load of horseshit???
REALLY??!!??!!
Truthfully, as angry as I probably should get about this pathetic, shallow attempt at a reconciliation, I really should pity the fool. Ironically, or incongruously, my ex has a brilliant mind. It saddens me that he SQUANDERS it on "conquests". I really don't know what the hell he wants. Based on his actions, I don't think he does either. And, like him apparently, I don't care. All I can do at this point in my life is thank GOD that I was not the one encumbered by a child of his! Don't get me wrong. I miss the baby that could have been, but God always knows what He is doing!
I want to move past this chapter in my life. I really do. I know I have to forgive him if I am going to trust someone else with my heart. Perhaps I should just stop waiting on him to grow up for me to do so. However, my understanding of granting someone forgiveness is for them to want it, and in a way, EARN it. Perhaps my understanding is misguided - or immature even. At the end of the day, I don't want this whole experience to be for naught. I want to become a better person for it. Sometimes, it means replacing old ideals with new ones.
Either way, something has got to give.

Sanity, may I re-introduce myself...

Dear Sanity,
I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I need you back! I know I was wrong. I know that I have shunned your forewarnings and advice. You told me over and over again not to make those decisions. But I did not listen to you. I ignored your wisdom and did what I wanted anyway. You beat my head in with your rod of guilty conscience... and then you left. You removed yourself in the wake of my foolishness, because there was no room for you and my bad decisions. Now, you are gone, and I truly and sorely miss you. But now, I feel as though I have paid my penance. I lost a child. My body is totally screwed up. I keep finding out who my ex-fiance truly is - and each discovery hurts me to the core. Have I suffered enough now?! How much longer must I carry on like this? I know I cannot simply ask you to come back into my life... because you'll be afraid that I'll take you for granted. And Sanity, you have every right to think so. But please, do not take my hard-headedness for lack of love. I truly treasure you. If I have to see a million doctors and take the extra time and effort to heal myself to make you come back to me, I will!
Sanity, you are a gift from God, and I am sorry to have taken you for granted. I, Foolish Human, thought you would stay with me no matter what... which meant (to me) that I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but expect you to stay with me. How selfish and self-righteous I was! Now, I am paying for my foolishness. Sanity, I beg you, I implore you to give me another chance. For both our sakes, I will be better!

Sincerely,
Once Foolish but Contrite Human...
Me

Last year's "Devil" is next year's Hope

Due to this year's infamous financial woes, I was forced to "stick" when it came to registering for mas. Now that ALL my favorite costumes have sold out, the website that I blasted as "the Devil" is now my only hope for a costume that I am willing to part with my hard-earned money for. Oh the irony!!

So, here goes my plea... If ANYONE knows someone who is selling either a Caged Canary (shoot for the stars, why not), Flight of the Ibis, African Lovebird, Green Honeycreeper... well damn near ANY Tribe costume (all backline please), PLEASE let me know! I will keep a lookout on the devil turned only hope... carnival junction.com

Thanks!!!

PS - Yes I am THAT desperate! lol

Bliss is Ignorance

I know the old adage goes the other way around, but this is what I believe after going through arguably the WORST ordeal of my life. And it all started as most, if not all, ordeals typically start - by believing a lie.
Long story short, I don't think I could look at a sonogram video without bursting into tears. That is because it will remind me of that dreadful morning when I saw my child for the first and last time. However, not only was that the beginning of more dreadful truths to come, but knowing that an innocent life had to be the casualty of a one-sided fragile long-distance love was indeed the worst consequence of ignorance. Did I know that him moving into another woman's house (well, her father's house) was a recipe for disaster? Certainly! Then why did I trust him? Because I believed in his obviously half-hearted gesture of false commitment. How naive I was to not realize how far a liar will go to have his cake and eat it too. What I also didn't realize was how disrespectful she, the "roommate", would turn out to be.
And so I lived and breathed and sang in my blissful ignorance, until I was with child. And while I had to break the embarrassing news to the family (and father took it famously well (sarcasm)), and feel that pang of shame when I have to inform the gynecologist that the child's father was over 2,000 miles away, he was busy cavorting with his "roommate" as if there was no me. And really, there was no me. No me to call. No me to check on. And when God in His infinite wisdom took my baby into His everlasting arms, there was no me to comfort. The reason for this, I later learned, was that he was in pain. Never mind that I was the one who was simultaneously stripped of an unborn child and of the attention of the fool I loved... the fool who asked to marry me. No, he, the fool acting like there was no me, was in the most pain.
Now, as God revealed the true nature of my now ex-fiancé, there is absolutely nothing he can say to me to fully convince me of any contrition on his part. Not to say he hasn't tried. Yet, just as before, there is no heart in his words. The difference, this time, is that I am no longer ignorant of it. Nor am I blissful.

My so-called life

It is November 2007, and I have finally decided how I am going to remember this year. Last year 2006 was the Year of Transition. This year 2007, has been, without a doubt, the Year of Surprises. I had things happen to me that I never once dreamed of. I started this blog (that, admittedly, I've severely slacked off on). I had my first experience of playing mas (okay, that's not really in the "surprise" category, but it did contain a ton of surprises). Now, I am a woman who takes NOTHING for granted (or at least I try to be), so when I express surprise at, say, tiefin a wine on that guy I had a crush on for a minute, well, that would indeed hold true. The reason why I would be surprised at something like that would require its own blog post - and I don't like to digress too much from my point - since I have just gone far enough already... On the not-so-pleasant side, this year was the first time I got fired from a job. But back to the pleasant side (grin), there's the biggest and most important surprise of them all - I finally discovered my Soulmate. In the last place I would have ever thought to look - literally my own backyard.
That said, I thought by now, toward the end of the year, I thought the surprises would have been over. (Those who view my facebook profile know exacltly where this is going). One November evening - the first to be precise - I was on the phone with my honey, asking him about a very serious conversation we had not two days prior. Background info: Though my babes and I have discussed marriage as a long-term goal, we never gave it serious current thought, until one day (late October), we were in our we're-exponentially-depressed-because-we-miss-each-other mood, and he just said "You know what? Why don't we just get married and I move up there". And I said "How about that, then?" And that got us thinking about marraige as a very real possibility. So, I brought it up again, asking if this is something that he is really serious about. He answered with a question. THE question.
Suffice to say that we are now engaged.
EN!
GAGED!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen - he is not my boyfriend any more. He is my fiancé!
Well, I must cut this blog post at this point, but there will be a LOT more to come - including how easy this was to break to Father dearest, who is just a ray of F&^king sunshine as always. Ah done!

Arm and Leg for Sale...

Well, they might as well be! Dem prices for the TRIBE costumes wayyy too much!!! Granted, it is a marginal improvement from last year - at least in terms of what I paid. On a side note, and I may be mistaken, but it seems as though some of the male costumes got a do-over. To that I say THANK GOD!! The Titania section, for instance, was indeed unkind to the male counterpart. It was bad enough he had to wear pink - he also had WINGS for a headpiece???? Wtf was the designer thinking?? Well, thankfully, an improvement was made, though it's still kinda blah...
But I digress (typically). My best friend in Trini sent me an email, loaded with repititions of the "f" word, having something to do with the fact that the costumes were a wee bit over-priced. This, from a young woman who, on more than one occasion, played with Island People.... who had, as I recall, way more stringent payment demands on thier masqueraders than TRIBE - or at least they did last year.
Now, if they relaxed their standards, and things work in my favor, I may make a switch. But of course, this depends heavily on (things working in my favor, plus) me liking the costume, and the overall price.
Furthermore, my spoilt behind wants to go home for Christmas AND Carnival ... I hear us Sagittarius folk like to have their cake and eat it too!! But throw in the costume price, plus any fetes I manage to go to... *sigh*... let's just say that numbers can be discouraging.
However, as I mentioned, the prices have marginally improved. It may well be possible to play... but only time will tell. Meanwhile, I need my damn arm and leg - so doh make me sell dem! Ah done!

The Sacrifice...

After my first experience of playing mas in 2007, I can certainly attest to the fact that not only is the whole entire experience positively intoxicating - it's also potently addictive. That said, it is with great regret that I must forego the 2008 festivities...
The primary reason is (you guessed it) finances. With the start of a new job, it is highly unlikely that it would be economically feasible to purchase the necessary tickets and costume. Sure, I would continue to monitor the sequence of events leading to the climax of this (admittedly) short Carnival season. I will do my best not to make snide remarks expressing my envy of those who do get to participate this year. lol