Dear Sanity,
I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I need you back! I know I was wrong. I know that I have shunned your forewarnings and advice. You told me over and over again not to make those decisions. But I did not listen to you. I ignored your wisdom and did what I wanted anyway. You beat my head in with your rod of guilty conscience... and then you left. You removed yourself in the wake of my foolishness, because there was no room for you and my bad decisions. Now, you are gone, and I truly and sorely miss you. But now, I feel as though I have paid my penance. I lost a child. My body is totally screwed up. I keep finding out who my ex-fiance truly is - and each discovery hurts me to the core. Have I suffered enough now?! How much longer must I carry on like this? I know I cannot simply ask you to come back into my life... because you'll be afraid that I'll take you for granted. And Sanity, you have every right to think so. But please, do not take my hard-headedness for lack of love. I truly treasure you. If I have to see a million doctors and take the extra time and effort to heal myself to make you come back to me, I will!
Sanity, you are a gift from God, and I am sorry to have taken you for granted. I, Foolish Human, thought you would stay with me no matter what... which meant (to me) that I could do whatever the hell I wanted, but expect you to stay with me. How selfish and self-righteous I was! Now, I am paying for my foolishness. Sanity, I beg you, I implore you to give me another chance. For both our sakes, I will be better!
Sincerely,
Once Foolish but Contrite Human...
Me
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Last year's "Devil" is next year's Hope
Due to this year's infamous financial woes, I was forced to "stick" when it came to registering for mas. Now that ALL my favorite costumes have sold out, the website that I blasted as "the Devil" is now my only hope for a costume that I am willing to part with my hard-earned money for. Oh the irony!!
So, here goes my plea... If ANYONE knows someone who is selling either a Caged Canary (shoot for the stars, why not), Flight of the Ibis, African Lovebird, Green Honeycreeper... well damn near ANY Tribe costume (all backline please), PLEASE let me know! I will keep a lookout on the devil turned only hope... carnival junction.com
Thanks!!!
PS - Yes I am THAT desperate! lol
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Bliss is Ignorance
I know the old adage goes the other way around, but this is what I believe after going through arguably the WORST ordeal of my life. And it all started as most, if not all, ordeals typically start - by believing a lie.
Long story short, I don't think I could look at a sonogram video without bursting into tears. That is because it will remind me of that dreadful morning when I saw my child for the first and last time. However, not only was that the beginning of more dreadful truths to come, but knowing that an innocent life had to be the casualty of a one-sided fragile long-distance love was indeed the worst consequence of ignorance. Did I know that him moving into another woman's house (well, her father's house) was a recipe for disaster? Certainly! Then why did I trust him? Because I believed in his obviously half-hearted gesture of false commitment. How naive I was to not realize how far a liar will go to have his cake and eat it too. What I also didn't realize was how disrespectful she, the "roommate", would turn out to be.
And so I lived and breathed and sang in my blissful ignorance, until I was with child. And while I had to break the embarrassing news to the family (and father took it famously well (sarcasm)), and feel that pang of shame when I have to inform the gynecologist that the child's father was over 2,000 miles away, he was busy cavorting with his "roommate" as if there was no me. And really, there was no me. No me to call. No me to check on. And when God in His infinite wisdom took my baby into His everlasting arms, there was no me to comfort. The reason for this, I later learned, was that he was in pain. Never mind that I was the one who was simultaneously stripped of an unborn child and of the attention of the fool I loved... the fool who asked to marry me. No, he, the fool acting like there was no me, was in the most pain.
Now, as God revealed the true nature of my now ex-fiancé, there is absolutely nothing he can say to me to fully convince me of any contrition on his part. Not to say he hasn't tried. Yet, just as before, there is no heart in his words. The difference, this time, is that I am no longer ignorant of it. Nor am I blissful.
Long story short, I don't think I could look at a sonogram video without bursting into tears. That is because it will remind me of that dreadful morning when I saw my child for the first and last time. However, not only was that the beginning of more dreadful truths to come, but knowing that an innocent life had to be the casualty of a one-sided fragile long-distance love was indeed the worst consequence of ignorance. Did I know that him moving into another woman's house (well, her father's house) was a recipe for disaster? Certainly! Then why did I trust him? Because I believed in his obviously half-hearted gesture of false commitment. How naive I was to not realize how far a liar will go to have his cake and eat it too. What I also didn't realize was how disrespectful she, the "roommate", would turn out to be.
And so I lived and breathed and sang in my blissful ignorance, until I was with child. And while I had to break the embarrassing news to the family (and father took it famously well (sarcasm)), and feel that pang of shame when I have to inform the gynecologist that the child's father was over 2,000 miles away, he was busy cavorting with his "roommate" as if there was no me. And really, there was no me. No me to call. No me to check on. And when God in His infinite wisdom took my baby into His everlasting arms, there was no me to comfort. The reason for this, I later learned, was that he was in pain. Never mind that I was the one who was simultaneously stripped of an unborn child and of the attention of the fool I loved... the fool who asked to marry me. No, he, the fool acting like there was no me, was in the most pain.
Now, as God revealed the true nature of my now ex-fiancé, there is absolutely nothing he can say to me to fully convince me of any contrition on his part. Not to say he hasn't tried. Yet, just as before, there is no heart in his words. The difference, this time, is that I am no longer ignorant of it. Nor am I blissful.
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