Unlike George W. Bush, most of us are well aware of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
There's another person whose mind this phrase somehow escapes. Yup. My ex.
Perhaps, in his mind, this phrase has been murdered to the point of cliché, and thus, carries no relevance. Or, perhaps, he takes me for the idiot he perceived and assumes I am completely unaware of this truth.
Whatever.
One day, while conversing with a mutual friend via IM, she informs me that she and my ex were very recently engaged in a conversation. At this point, a couple of developments must be enumerated. My ex and the [insert descriptive, degrading (expletive) noun here] he cheated with now have a daughter, who is approximately 5 months old now. Of equal importance (it seems) is that he gained about 100 lbs (a hyperbole of course... or is it?).
Back to the convo.
My friend started going off on how fat he has become. Now, I'm not the type of person to derive joy out of someone else's misery - granted this particular someone put me through HELL, but I digress - so, that piece of news was met with indifference. Little did I know that this was a pretext for what was to become a pity party. Let it be noted that I am a bit too old to go for the whole "he said, she said" bit. Nevertheless, I know the type of people who bullshit, and those who don't (and trust! That knowledge did NOT come cheap!). That said, she relayed some interesting comments he made. First, he tried to keep the conversation focused on me. My friend, having a brain, wasn't participating in this pathetically obvious mind game. He tried lines like "oh, since losing Teneille, I haven't been motivated to go to the gym" to explain his weight gain. Naturally, I rolled my eyes at this.
And then came the piece de resistance.
According to my friend, the following statement was made, and the subject was changed immediately afterward.
I quote (at least according to my friend... and memory): "Yeah, I know I have a daughter, but I wish I had her with Teneille."
Now, his main intention was for my friend to relay this comment to me. That much is obvious, and he knew it would work. As for how he expected me to react, I can't be 100% certain. Based on the bullshit tactics he used in the past, I'm going to lean on the notion that he expected me to believe him.
Hmmm.... what was that saying again? Fool me once....
How about this saying - You can fool SOME people SOMEtimes, but you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time.
So, when you consider the pain of the miscarriage, coupled with the pain of being emotionally abandoned by the man who said he loved you and WANTED children with you - this fool really, truly, honestly expects me to believe that load of horseshit???
REALLY??!!??!!
Truthfully, as angry as I probably should get about this pathetic, shallow attempt at a reconciliation, I really should pity the fool. Ironically, or incongruously, my ex has a brilliant mind. It saddens me that he SQUANDERS it on "conquests". I really don't know what the hell he wants. Based on his actions, I don't think he does either. And, like him apparently, I don't care. All I can do at this point in my life is thank GOD that I was not the one encumbered by a child of his! Don't get me wrong. I miss the baby that could have been, but God always knows what He is doing!
I want to move past this chapter in my life. I really do. I know I have to forgive him if I am going to trust someone else with my heart. Perhaps I should just stop waiting on him to grow up for me to do so. However, my understanding of granting someone forgiveness is for them to want it, and in a way, EARN it. Perhaps my understanding is misguided - or immature even. At the end of the day, I don't want this whole experience to be for naught. I want to become a better person for it. Sometimes, it means replacing old ideals with new ones.
Either way, something has got to give.
