I am feeling so much right now, but can scarce find the words. Last week, my uncle suddenly passed away. He left behind his ex-wife (my aunt on my mother's side), a step-son and two daughters. This happened without so much as a warning, and it has had a HUGE effect on me. Of course, there was shock and sadness - such emotions compounded by the fact that I was still coming to terms with another recent death (my then 22-yr old cousin, who was shot in May 2005). I am normally a sympathetic person, so at times like these, I HATE feeling sorry for myself when I know there are people closer to the deceased than I. I know I deserve to grieve, but my heart goes out to those more deeply affected.
However, yet another emotion plagues my heart - guilt. I am very much looking forward to Carnival, but in light of this tragedy (to put it lightly), I can't help but feel disgusted with myself at my selfishness to still want to enjoy Carnival. I know how misguided that sounds, but that is how I feel. I'm sure the root of my guilt resides in the fact that I did not attend the funeral, when I did want to go. However, I refrained from calling my family too much for two reasons - one was that when I first heard the news, I called my aunt, then my cousin (his daughter), who, I was told, refused to speak with anyone at that time (totally understandable). I figured I'd let the dust settle, so to speak, before I called again. The second reason was that as much as I wanted to be there for my family, I didn't think I could yet handle myself while being in the presence of this tragedy- meaning that in the funeral, when the reality of the situation would really hit home, I probably would have needed more comfort than I could provide them - not an appropriate position. I called this Saturday, which, I then found out, was the day before the funeral. They live in New York, while I live in Florida. If I were within driving distance, then I really would have no excuse for not attending. Nevertheless, I STILL really have no excuse for not going. Forgive the dramatic language - I just detest times like these. I'm probably not at my most rational at the moment, but I really feel like I should get this off my chest. Friends reassured me that my looking forward to going to Trinidad was not selfish, that life goes on and I should still enjoy my time here on earth, and I know that they are right. My best friend here suggested that I should go to New York to, if anything, at least clear my conscience. But even that seems selfish! Maybe I am being a coward. Maybe I'm beating myself up for no good reason at all. I am so confused and angry and shocked - in short, fucked up! I can't be mad at God, for I know that He has all in control. But that still does not comfort me. That may be because I am angry at myself. What should I do????
1 comment:
If you don't play mas would that make you feel better? I suspect not. Give yourself some time to grieve/mourn and then move on.
You friends are right, your life does not grind to a halt because someone you loved died. As cold as that may sound it is the truth.
I emphatise with you, my grand father died a few days before my birthday a few years ago and his actual funeral was on my birthday. I was upset that he died but more so because I could not enjoy celebrating the day of my birth. I felt guilty for feeling that way but got over it eventually after I realised I am human and all these emotions of part of being such.
I hope you feel better soon, maybe it would help if you got to talking with your aunt and cousins and let them know how you feel.
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